Freaky Minds
by Slimes
Summary: Mr. Mackey has been too big of a screw up for too long. Time to replace him with the most compitent man on the planet.


_My third "episode," enjoy. By the way, the new episode was choice. _

Freaky Minds

South Park School 1:15 PM

Mrs. G-Goddamn, I hate the freakin airport!

Stan-Um, it's good to have you back?

Mrs. G-Well thank you Stanley, I know it's hard, but try to contain your enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I'll be going back soon.

The fire bell rings.

Class-Yayyyy!

Mrs. G-That's bullshit. It's just another excuse for you lazy bastards to slack off. (sighs) Well, let's go class.

On the way downstairs, the four kids ignore all instructions and instead talk about J-Lo.

Kyle-I thought we melted her, man!

Stan-(Sighs) Yeah, but she came back and made another movie.

They all groan in unison.

Jess-Why don't we go to the premiere and moon her until we get violently tossed out?

Stan-Nah, I did that last year.

Kenny-It was my idea.

Outside, it's cold, and they have no jackets.

Stan-Aggh! Mr. Mackey, could we go to our lockers?

Kenny-I think my nuts just fell off.

Mr. M-Children, there might be a dangerous fire inside, m'kay?

Stan-But there isn't. Right?

Mr. M-...Well...there could be, M'kay...

Stan-But there isn't.

Mr. Mackey walks away. John walks up, carrying a fucia guitar.

John-I've been taking guitar lessions lately, and I think I've gotten pretty good.

Butters-I've been playing Guitar Hero on medium lately, so I think I'm pretty good.

Kyle-...

Stan-Do we even have to say it, Butters?

Butters leaves. John begins to play a lively indie tune.

John-_Ohhhhhh have you ever met my friend Cartman's mom, she's an annorexic crack whoooooree..._

They all laugh and clap.

John-_She's a big fat whore I sayyyyy...she'd give anyone a blow, but not me I'm gayyyyyyy..._

Cartman realizes he's being mocked (again) and walks over.

Cartman-Are you making fun of my mother, faggot?

John-You mean your annorexic crack whore mother?

Cartman-Yeah.

John-Nope.

Cartman-Oh.

He walks away.

John-Dick.

Jimmy's House 4:26 PM

Jimmy-Boy, t-thanks for coming over Timmy.

Timmy-Timah!!

Jimmy-Yeah, there was a good reason I invited you over Tim-tim.

Timmy-Timah?

Jimmy-C-c-c-cha...c-c-hris A-angel, Tim!

Jimmy turns on the TV. A half naked guy flys out of a volcano and floats in the air. Chanting follows, and floating mushrooms go by. Random people scream "Mindfreak," repeatedly.

Timmy-Timah!

Jimmy-You're right, Tim! He _does_ kind of look like a Marylin Manson reject!

Announcer-Tonight on Mindfreak. Watch Chris get run over by a train! Get eaten by pirahnas! Get shot in the face repeatedly! Beheaded! And guess what? At the end of the show, he'll still be alive!

They watch as he walks into the ghetto calmly with a washboard reading 'black people suck' on it. He gets shot multiple times, and after they all leave, he rises from his pool of blood and skips off, whistling.

Jimmy-And I g-got t-ti-tic-tickets for us to go see him live this Saturday. I can't wait!

Timmy is still staring at the TV screen, perplexed.

Friday-South Park Schools 9:45 AM

Mrs. Garrison-So you see class-

Principal Victoria walks in.

Principal V.-Sorry students, there's been an incident. Mr. Mackey, your school councelor has been fired. But don't worry, he's been replaced with a much more capable person.

The class cheers. Kenny lights up a cigarette in celebration. Mrs. Garrison scolds him.

Recess 12:45 PM

Timmy wheels himself down the hall, head down. He sighs. He opens the door to the councelors office to come face to face with...

Timmy-Dr. Phil?

Dr. Phil-How are you son?

Timmy wheels over to the couch and jumps out of his chair.

Timmy-Timmah.

Dr. Phil- How are you today, Timmy?

Timmy-Well, Timmah timmah timmah...timmy.

Dr. Phil-Uh-huh.

Timmy-Timmy timmy tim-tim timah. Tim _timah _timmy tim-tam timmy.

Dr. Phil-Alright, you know what I think?

Timmy-Timmah?

Dr. Phil-I think you're a totally arrogant, self-centered asshole. All you think about is yourself.

Timmy-_Tim-Timah_?!

Dr. Phil-You need to go to your peers and shout to them, "I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole!"

Timmy gets on his chair and leaves frowning. A second grade girl comes in.

Girl-Hewwo. My boyfriend saw that I was hoding hands with a nother boy...and he hit meeee...

She starts to cry.

Dr. Phil-Do you want to know what I think?

Girl-What?

Dr. Phil-I think your a cheating skank who got what she deserved. He had every right to beat you! Since he kind of...owns you.

She runs out crying. On the playground, Stan, Kyle and Jess are hanging out with Jimmy and John. Kenny is under the slides, getting high.

Stan-I'm glad our school actually still has recess. Not like some other faggy schools.

They all laugh. Timmy comes up.

Timmy-Timmah! Timmah timmah!!

Jimmy-Oh my gawd, Tim-tim! Dr. Phil is the replacement for Mr. Mackey and he's a total douchebag?

Kyle-That last part was common knowlege.

Timmy-Timmah timmah!

Jimmy-That's a great idea Tim! Well, see you later fellas.

Jess-Bye Jimmy.

Timmy and Jimmy hurry off (as fast as two crippled people can).

John-So...who wants to come to my house and play Bioshock?

They all cheer and head off. Cartman is hanging on the monkey bars. He glares.

Mindfreak Live Show (Sat 10:00 AM)

Jimmy and Timmy have backstage passes for the show, _and_ front row seats.

Announcer-Ladies and gentleman! Are you ready for Mindfreak?

The crowd roars loudly.

Announcer-Today, he'll be decapitated. We'll need a volunteer to test if it's real!

His eyes stop on Timmy.

Announcer-Let's have the disabled kid come up here!

Timmy-Timmah!

Using the new equipment installed by the Star Trek nerds, Timmy actually flies up to the stage.

Timmy-Timmah.

The audiance chants Timmy's name, and he headbangs. They bring out a guillotine, and Chris puts his neck in. The blade falls and people shreik. Chris's disembodied head winks and smiles.

Chris-Go ahead kid, look for something invisible.

Timmy feels the space between his head and his neck and gasps.

Timmy-Timah...

Chris's head hovers into the air and reattatches itself to his body. People cheer and Chris takes a blow. Jimmy is awe-struck in the crowd.

Jimmy-J-j-jesus t-tit-titty fu-fuckin christ...

After the show is over, Jimmy and Timmy hurry back stage.

Jimmy-Mr. M-mindfreak, sir?

Chris-Backstage, huh? Well I'm always glad to give autographs.

Jimmy-W-w-well, actually Chris-c-c-can I c-call you Chris?

Chris-Sure.

Jimmy-W-well, Chris, we had something else in mind.

Chris-Look kid, I don't do shows for schools.

Timmy-Timmah!

Jimmy-No Chris! We really need your help. Our school is being terrorized!

Chris-I can't help you, I'm sorry.

Jimmy-Please! Our old councellor was replaced with Dr. Phil and he's a total d-d-doo...d-d-douchebag!

Chris stops. He's frozen in place, unblinking.

Chris-_What_ did you just say?!

Jimmy-Uh...he's a douchebag?

Chris turns on Jimmy, eyes blazing.

Chris-No! Before that!

Jimmy stumbles back.

Jimmy-Ahh! I s-s-said...D-d-duh-doctor Phil!

Chris exhales deeply.

Chris-So the day of prophecy is finally here..._he _has finally returned.

Jimmy-Who? Dr. Phil?

Chris-Oh yes, that's what he calls himself now. But thousands of years ago, he was Effyu, the god of self help-or should I say...demon. Throughout time, whenever someone wrote self-help books, or held cheesy speeches on live TV, Effyu was responsible.

Jimmy-How do you know this?

Chris-Well, I lived on the Earth around the same time Effyu did. Although, I was just a simple farm boy at the age of 14. One day, I found Satan. He was just walking around. When I said hello, he was suprised I could see him. I told him that I wanted superpowers and would do anything for them. So I gave him my soul, and I became immortal and unkillable. I mean, seriously, how the hell did you think I did those stunts?

Jimmy-Well, I'm retarded.

Chris-The difference is that self-help has always been kinda gay, but it never meant to depress anyone-though it did-and that Effyu has always just influenced before. Now he's truly reincarnated. Dr. Phil _is _Effyu...As I was saying, there was this dick who wanted to interest my family in a buisness deal. They said no, but he kept lowering his prices, trying to lure us in with his bargains-it was horrible!

With my new powers, I could see what he truly was. A hideous monster if I had ever seen one. I confronted him when my parents weren't around. Our battle was epic, and lasted many, many minutes.

I finally killed him, and his spirit flew off. And for thousands of years I never heard from him again. I guess it was too good to be true.

He sighs.

Jimmy-W-w-what are you gonna do?

Chris-What I gotta do. Kick his butt.

Jimmy-...

Chris-...What? We're on TV, right? That means we can't say 'ass', right?

Jimmy-Well, you used to be, but with all the bitchy parents out there, I'm not quite sure anymore.

Chris-Whatever.

Monday Morning (SPS 10:00 AM)

Jimmy knocks on "Mr." Phil's door.

Mr. Phil-Come in.

Jimmy walks in.

Jimmy-Oh mi-muh-mister Phiiiiil...there's someone here to see you. Mindfreak walks in and glares at his old nemisis. "Mr." Phil stands up and gasps.

Mr. Phil-Yo-

Chris Angel tackles Mr. Phil through the window. They land on the blacktop, while the children are playing. Glass sprays everywhere and children scream. Mr. Phil knocks Chris off him and his eyes begin to glow red.

Effyu-You shouldn't have came ba_**ck here, Chris...**_

Chris-You should've just stayed dead!

He charges a fireball in his hands and shoots it, but using his great acrobatic skill, Effyu jumps over it. Chris charges and headbutts the demon in the gut. Effyu coughs, doubled-over.

Chris-Are you ready to give up, bitch?

Effyu-_**You wish, pussy!**_

"Mr. Phil's" head tears open, and a large snake like head snakes out. It has a long snout, and two large orbs hanging down from it's chin. Tentacles rip the rest of the body open, and children run, screaming.

Effyu-_**EFF-YUUUUU!!!**_

It shoots flames out of it's mouth and Chris leaps over. He lands on it's neck and twists it with great force. He pulls, and rips it's head off. Blood spews. By this point, Timmy and Principal Victoria are watching from afar. Timmy is cheering, and Mrs. V is just awe-struck. Effyu's sprit flies off.

Effyu-Curse you, Chris Angel!

The body hits the ground, and everyone cheers. Timmy walks over to Jimmy and Mindfreak joins them both.

Chris-Timmy, Jimmy, I never could have done it without you.

Jimmy-Really?

Chris-No not really, I just wanted to be nice.

Principal Victoria-So, who do I replace Dr. Phil with now?!

Jimmy-Wait. I think you're all m-missing the point. Even though Mr. M-m-ma-muh-...

Stan walks up.

Stan-I think I get what Jimmy's saying. Mr. Mackey might not have been the best counclelor-in fact, on several occasions he totally screwed everyone over-but at least he wasn't a total douchebag. Let's bring back Mr. Mackey.

Everyone cheers.

Chris-Hey! Free Pizza, on me! Everyone conglomerates into a crowd and heads off. Jimmy is standing behind.

Jimmy-Fu-Fuh-fuckin glory hog.


End file.
